The one about comparisons & the blues

Bryce is such a sweet little boy, I wish everyone could meet him.  He’s six weeks old today! Its hard to believe I’ll be going back to work and he’ll be starting school in two weeks. Our quality time together is coming to an end. I’m trying to make a conscious effort to give him as much love and attention as I did Reed, but of course, it’s not really possible.

Reed was our first so there are just too many emotions that cannot be replicated on the second go ‘round.  They also say that one of the worst things is to compare your kids.  But, HOW am I expected not to?  When I think of Bryce’s birth weight, I think of him being a pound less than Reed.  When I work with Bryce on his strength (tummy time & sitting to hold his head up) I think about how strong Reed was as a newborn.  Bryce’s first smile compared to the timing of Reed’s. 

I can’t help but trying to make sure that Bryce’s development is on track with Reed’s. I know he’s his own little person, but this is the only way I know to make sure he’s not getting behind, and to remind myself to work with and challenge Bryce, the way we did with Reed every day.  I don’t have as much time or desire really to re-read all the baby development books and emails. 

Reed is so smart and we know that it’s because Mike and I work with him daily. He can identify all the letters in the alphabet and loves to show off that skill.  When Reed is praised and encouraged he will do anything!  His goal in life is to win approval and get applause.  I love the way he says “H” and “W” (dubby). S, Q, and X are up there, too.  He’s a little mocking bird!  Which raises a question- when we were driving this weekend, Mike hit the brakes a little hard and Reed said, “Dit”.  I have to wonder how much I swear when I drive!

Bryce loves to be held, but is much better about sitting on his own than Reed ever was.  Reed needed me to hold him every second of every day as an infant.

They say second babies are supposed to be easier- but I want to make sure that just because he’s a little easier, he doesn’t get neglected and left to lay on his play mat by himself for too long.  I will do my best to make sure he doesn’t have a flat head!

Bryce is settling into a nighttime sleep routine and becoming a much better sleeper.  I’m happy to turn the corner on that one because even though he doesn’t really sleep any longer that he was before, but he’s sleeping more peacefully. Less grunting and squirming.  We’ve been trying to get him to sleep alone in his cradle and he’s been doing much better.  I snuggled him to me and he slept in our bed for the first 2-3 weeks.

Reed started out pretty rough with Bryce, he would rock him in the car seat but enough to make us worry about shaken baby syndrome!  He would also try to give Bryce his pacifier (Reed thinks that since he’s an addict, then his brother should be, too) but he was really shoving it in there and has gotten much more gentle about it.  I can confidently ask him to give Bryce his pacifier if he’s crying and I’ve got my hands full.  He loves to lie down with Bryce when he’s on the floor. Sometimes ON him. And it melts my heart to hear Reed say his name, “Bye-ssssss”.

Most days I don’t accomplish anything.  I try to get a nap every day, but when Reed is home it’s nearly impossible.  They like to tag team me. When one is up, the other is sleeping. If I get that one down, the other wakes up.  But, it’s also a good thing because it makes them more manageable when I take care of them one at a time.  It’s a lot less overwhelming to be able to fix Reed’s lunch and feed him while Bryce is sleeping. 

I recently had a bout of the baby blues.  Its difficult for me to feel like I’m not doing anything productive.  To have projects in mind, goals I’d like to accomplish and things to work on, but not have the energy even if I do find the time.  I’m just below maintenance mode.  Barely keeping some laundry clean to wear, barely keeping some dishes clean to eat from.  No motivation or energy to get myself showered, hair done or make up applied. Even being embarrassed of my appearance when I drop Reed off at school wasn’t enough motivation to do something about it.

I was letting myself dip lower and lower each day- forcing myself to laugh for Reed and go through the motions. You know the old theory about smiling when you feel blue- and it actually helps to lift your mood?  It does.  But, it also just made me roller coaster a bit more.

I talked to Mike about it and my friend Melissa- I was surprised how much it helped just to say I was feeling sad! Then, last Saturday we had a friend watch the boys so we could grab dinner and a movie.  I was feeling pretty sparky and was finally able to quench my margarita craving.  It really felt like normal again. Being with my husband, wearing clothes and make-up and laughing over a frozen drink.  I also think that Lortab has anti-depressant properties, because I haven’t taken one for about a week now and I think after a few days it was like I was crashing off the medication.  I didn’t want to take one just to feel “good” if I wasn’t in pain- that’s not my thing- but don’t think I didn’t think about it and wonder if that was the cause.

I’m lucky to have really good friends that care about me and my family.  I make an effort to see them frequently and not squander too much of my time just moping about.  Although, sometimes moping about feels good, too!

The one about Elmo!

I have to attempt to get this story down real quick! I have had literally no time to blog lately, which really bums me out because there is so much I’d love to record about this time in our lives.  Hopefully in the next few days I’ll be able to buckle down and get some thoughts tapped out about the boys.

Right now I want to focus on last week’s trip to the library for the celebrity appearance by the big red fuzz himself, Elmo!

My Reed is one of the coolest toddlers around.  He hardly has any fear and I’m not sure there is a shy bone in his body.  Oh, he’ll feign shyness at times, but it’s only because he thinks it’s cute.

So, we heard that Elmo was coming at our weekly “story-time” hour at the library on Tuesday.  Something that I wouldn’t be able to live without at this point.  They were actually warning people to stay away from the library on Thursday because Elmo was coming and it was going to be so packed and chaotic.  Well, I wasn’t afraid and I knew it was an opportunity for something special for Reed.  So, I loaded sleeping Bryce in the sling and lead Reed into the library.  The children’s room was backed full to the brim. There had to be about 60 people stuffed in there so I kept Reed out in the reading area at a table with a book until Elmo arrived. 

As soon as Reed saw Elmo walking through the library he hopped up and ran over to him shouting, “Elmo!”  He got a hug and a little interaction with just him and another little boy.  The other mom and I were both taking pictures along with a lady from the newspaper. 

After a few minutes they had to usher Elmo into the Children’s Room to perform for the awaiting crowd.  We followed them in and Reed didn’t waste much time before he wiggled his way through so he could stand front and center before Elmo.  The library staff had to lead him back to me … a couple of times. 

After reading two books, it was time to do the hokey pokey and they let all the kids get up and dance in front of Elmo.  Reed again made his way up to Elmo so he could regain his “number one fan” status.  The library staff still attempted to hold Reed back just a bit so Elmo didn’t trip over him.

When Elmo had to take a break and leave the room for a bit, we did too.  I took Reed out to the tables and gave him an applesauce while we looked at books.  When Elmo returned the TV crew was waiting for him and so was Reed!  The reporter fell in love with Reed while they were waiting for the camera man to set up and after oohing and ahhing over how cute he is, she asked if they could use him during the interview! Of course! By this time, Reed had become very comfortable around Elmo and wasn’t nearly as star struck as he was just 20 minutes earlier.  He easily gave Elmo high fives on demand for the camera. 

Not only was I extremely excited for that my little man got to meet his first celebrity, I was insanely proud of him for being so cool.  I was capturing photo after photo with my phone so I could send them to everyone in my contacts list.  Even two hours later, I still felt high on the excitement of the morning! I couldn’t stop sending the pictures that I’d taken and realized that I’d had my first taste of this “mommy madness” and pride.  I felt a little retarded that I couldn’t come down from my cloud.  It was a man in a fuzzy red suit for crying out loud.

My baby boy had his first TV appearance under his belt!  He was live on a local Oklahoma City morning show- and I was ready to teach him how to sign autographs.  To view the video clip online, click here.  You might have to look around a bit to find “Elmo Visits Library” under morning news, if the link doesn’t take you directly there.

Also, here is the link for the Edmond Sun Newspaper story. 

The one where I confess

This blog was never intended to be written. I was initially so ashamed of my feelings that I had a hard time even sharing them with Mike.  Just to speak the words out loud brought me to frantic tears.  Even though this story will be deeply personal (and I still wonder if writing about it publicly is the right thing to do) I feel that I want to for a couple of reasons.  Writing helps me deal with my emotions and make sense of them.  Somehow getting them out of my heart and into black and white words helps me to disconnect from negative emotions like fear, guilt, anxiety, and burden.  The organization of words is like organizing the tornado of emotions swirling inside me.  Gradually it all starts to slow down settle gently into place.

The other reason is to hopefully find someone to relate to.  Surely I’m not the only one that felt this way upon the birth of a second child.  Surely its normal, common, or at the very least not completely unheard of.  If nothing else, then sharing it with my friends who desire to have a second child will be more prepared than I was.

From the day we got the news that we were expecting another boy I had a fear that I wouldn’t be able to forge a bond with this baby.  Reed was my shining star, the twinkle in my eye, my everything.  I couldn’t expect to love another boy the way I loved Reed.  He consumed my entire heart, and I thought that only by having a girl, would I be able to unlock more of my heart to love another child.  I have previously expressed my feelings of love for Reed thoroughly so I’ll move on.   So, I convinced myself that it would be fine- people who have multiple children can tell you every day that they love their babies differently but equally.  This is what I was expecting to happen.  I had a fear that I couldn’t love Bryce as much as I love Reed, but was comforted by the idea that it just happens.

What actually happened was completely unexpected. I was utterly unprepared for the cold numbness that came over my heart.  Sitting on the couch, I watched my mom playing with Reed and I knew how I was supposed to feel when I looked at his smiling eyes.  I knew how I felt just days before… but suddenly there were no wings on my heart.  There was no sparkle or shimmer or song in the air between us.  Reed was just a boy.  Beautiful, happy and charming, but just a boy.  My chest turned to lead as I realized that something was wrong with me and I couldn’t stop the tears that followed.  What happened!? Where did my love go?!  It wasn’t fair and I was so angry and ashamed of it.  I knew what was missing because it was just there a couple days ago and then suddenly it had vanished.

I kept trying.  I tried to miss him when he wasn’t in my sight. I tried to feel that connection with my little man.  I tried to fill my heart with pride as he worked his alphabet puzzle and impressed everyone watching.  I tried to feel that pang of envy when someone else made him laugh.  I knew what I was supposed to feel, from memory, but I couldn’t dig the emotions up inside me. It was driving me insane.  Reed didn’t do anything to deserve this.  He didn’t do anything wrong.

So there I sat, watching each day pass by from my spot on the couch, feeling nothing but shame and guilt for not being able to love my shining star.  I ached inside.  I wanted to pull him into my arms and take care of him again, the way it was when it was just the two of us. My mom came and went, Mike’s parents had also come and gone. They were a tremendous help since I was still in so much pain from the delivery.  Every movement made me hurt, even lortab only took the edge off the pain, so I saved my physical activity for getting myself to the bathroom and back.  Those first couple weeks I had to have someone do everything for me and I couldn’t be afraid to ask for the simple favors that really added up throughout the day.  “Can you bring me some water?  Will you slice me an apple?”  The resting and recovering were keeping me from doing things with Reed. I couldn’t pick him up. I couldn’t snuggle him at night before bed or hold him in the morning.  He loves to be held, but he’s not a lap-loving boy, which was the only way I could be close to him.  It broke my heart even more when I tried to sit on the floor with him and hold him close, because he’d pull away and find something to busy himself. 

To make matters worse, I found myself emotionally neglecting my new baby.  At one point I realized that I’d been going through the motions with Bryce- feeding him, changing him, comforting and holding him.  But, I’d been so focused on trying to find my love for Reed, that I was neglecting Bryce.  I didn’t want to fall in love with him if I couldn’t fall back in love with Reed.  That was too much betrayal. I knew this was stupid, but even still I couldn’t just stop. I had to make a conscious effort to look Bryce in the face and smile and love him.  When I did, I knew that I loved his tiny nose, his fuzzy ears, his long eyelashes and heart shaped lips.

The logical side of me sent constant reminders- I have a lot of crazy hormones working themselves through my body. I just had a baby, I’m starting to breastfeed, I’m sleep deprived, in pain, and on pain medication.  I can’t blame myself for my feelings and I’m sure it will all work out in due time. I just had to give myself a couple of weeks for the pregnancy hormones to flush out and things inside me to settle down. 

Patience. I had to ask myself for more patience, which anyone who knows me knows I could use a great deal more of.  I think it’s especially hard to be patient with yourself, because you expect your brain to be able to control your heart.  However, just because you can think it- doesn’t mean you can feel it. I think we can all relate to that.

It wasn’t sudden, and I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when it happened, but the ice melted and my heart was able to swell at the sight of my Reed again.  To be able to entice a chuckle from him and feel whole again.  To hug him and kiss him and tell him I love him and to feel REAL again. 

Going through this I thought- no one should ever know.  I’ll never tell anyone, I’ll fake this thing all the way and I’ll never admit to it if they guess. This is the worst thing that can happen to a mother’s heart. But, now that I’m on the other side of it, I think it will be good to share the experience.  Or, as I mentioned earlier, at least get the therapeutic benefits from writing about it. I wish I were more emotionally stable (post partum), it makes me feel bad for my loved ones around me who have to suffer from it!  I’m in the upper 99s on percentage of how sure I am that this is my last baby.  I enjoy many aspects of the miracle of life, all the way from conception to holding the brand new body in my arms and looking into the teeny face.  However, there are too many reasons to stop now and just raise my boys with all the love and attention that I can give them. 

The one where Bryce is born!

On this day one week ago, I woke up after a night of sleep that was a bit restless.  I got ready for the day by getting dressed and putting on make up.    My mom was drinking her coffee with watchful eyes as her daughter waddled around the house nervous about being induced. 

It felt so strange to have an appointment to have a baby.  I really wanted to go into labor naturally, but I also wanted to follow the medical advice of my doctor and make sure this baby didn’t get too big because of the problems I had delivering Reed.  We didn’t think my body could handle going through that again.  So, I packed my weekend with activities to hopefully get labor going on my own.  On Saturday I’d met up with friends for breakfast at the bagel shop before heading over to the park with our kids.  After a couple hours there, I met up with the “Classy Ladies Cupcake Ride” group and rode a 12 mile loop to Green Goodies.  That afternoon we picked up my mom at the airport and hit the outlet mall to finish off a very complete day!  Sunday was the Giants game against the very impressive Packers (15-1).  None of my jumping and bouncing around throughout the game seemed to make Bryce want to come.  Even the celebratory dance I performed after the game did not entice him into the birth canal.

So, there we were, Monday morning facing induction day.  It didn’t seem natural and I wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do, but I also didn’t want to not do it, either.

Mike and I had our hospital bags packed and ready to roll out to the truck but we wanted to say goodbye to Reed before we left and he was still sleeping. It was past 7, which is unusual.  He finally started to stir, which is when we found that sometime in the night he’d been sick in his bed.  Knowing that my baby was sick to his stomach and vomiting made it even harder to leave him.

At the hospital we checked in and got settled into our room.  Mike and I were full of questions throughout the whole process, since it was so different than the last time we had a baby.  They started my IV of Pitocin and the contractions came about 15 minutes later.  For a few hours we just hung out while my contractions got stronger and the pain intensified as they increased the Pitocin. I was extremely happy with how well everything was going, the contractions were tolerable and there was zero pain in between each one, a huge relief.  Just before Susanne, our friend/birth photographer, was due to arrive the contractions had become more than uncomfortable and were downright painful.  I was getting close to needing the epidural but I wasn’t scheduled until 2, which was another 2 hours away.  The nurses gave me something in my IV to “take the edge off” and that’s when it became a party.  I don’t know what they gave me, but if they have a street version then I’ll bet it’s very popular!  The pain was gone and I felt drunk.  I tried to be involved in Mike and Susanne’s conversation and sound intelligible but I’m sure there wasn’t much sense to my words and I knew it.  The drug had completely worn off by the time the anesthesiologist came for the epidural and the contractions were hitting hard! As the anesthesiologist was applying a spray adhesive and tape to my back as prep for the procedure I commented that it was a good thing I didn’t have a hairy back.  The room fell to pieces when Mike said, “if you did, you wouldn’t be in this situation to begin with!”  Nice to know that my husband wouldn’t have taken me on a second date those 7 years ago, at the discovery of a hairy back.

A bag of vomit, a roll of lifesavers and two hours later, it was time to push.  When the nurse checked me she exclaimed in surprise, “He’s right there! I better call your doctor!”  To which I replied, “Then just ask him to grab your hand and pull him out!”  She laughed and I continued on – explaining how she should ask him, “Do you trust me?? Do YOU TRUST ME?! Take my hand, Bryce!”  She wasn’t willing to do that, but she was amused anyway.

The carts started rolling in and the faces around me were covered in blue hair nets with matching face masks.  After the first push everyone was very excited and telling me that I was an amazing pusher.  I had to wonder if they were being sarcastic, because in the past I’ve been such a sucky pusher.  Since you only push during a contraction, there’s nothing to do in the minutes between them but wait.  So I’m hanging out, legs in the air, surrounded by a half circle of people staring at me under a spotlight.  The air was filled with expectation and the pressure was all on me.  I asked them if they would like to break out in song, “I know a few tunes, but I don’t have enough feeling in my legs to add the kicks. I’ll need your guys’ help.”  The ladies were tickled and said they’d be happy to assist me. 

After the 3^rd contraction, my doctor said we only had one more push left and my jaw dropped!  Already??  So after the 4^th push, she said, “look Connie!” and when I lifted my head off the pillow, I could see his head over the hill of my belly.  She looked me in the eye and said, “You’re done, I’ll do the rest!”  And out he came, up and over the blue drape, right onto my belly and into my arms!  They were rubbing him with towels as I looked into his tiny purple face and said, “Take a breath, Bryce!”  His answer was a high pitched wail.  I smothered him with compliments about how tiny and perfect he his and topped it off with a kiss on the forehead.  That was a little strange since he’d only been wiped with towels and not bathed and I thought… “Should I be kissing him after he just came out of me??” I dismissed the thought and took a peak at his toes. All ten standing in a row- long and perfect. He appeared to have no physical deformities.

After a little cuddling and snuggling from both Mom and Dad, Bryce finally got to meet his big brother.  I asked Cassie to pick up my mom and Reed so my mom wouldn’t get lost on the way to the hospital and I think it was beneficial to both parties.  Cassie was elated to be there after Bryce’s birth and my mom was grateful that she didn’t have to drive around in Oklahoma City.

We have oohed and ahhed over tiny Bryce, a whole pound smaller that Reed.  He was 7lbs and 11oz, measuring 20” long.  His official time of birth is 4:24pm.  Susanne did an amazing job capturing the story – I encourage you to take 5 minutes to watch the birth slideshow and enjoy! Click HERE

The next day both Bryce’s pediatrician and my OB stopped in for visits.  Maybe my OB could see the boredom on my face, because she informed me that we could go home later that day and moved Bryce’s circumcision up a whole day! After she walked out the door, the nurse came in and rolled him out just like that.  By the time he was 24 hours old, we were packed up and signing our discharge papers.  We were home in time to have dinner with Reed! Spaghetti and meatballs for everyone!

The next two days I felt great! My mom and I enjoyed trips to Babies R US, Walmart and even Ross.  We took Reed to Hafer Park in Edmond because it was so nice out.  By Thursday evening I was getting weaker and by Friday I was broken.  It’s been difficult to even walk from the couch to the fridge so I’m feeling pretty handicapped. Thankfully Mike’s parents are here this week to help me with the boys and the house now that Mike has returned to work.

The story of Bryce’s birthday couldn’t have been more polar opposite than Reed’s.  This should teach us right out the gate that we cannot compare them!

The last one before Bryce comes

I’m probably getting ahead of myself, but I’m going to go ahead and say this is the last post before Baby Bryce is here.  This morning’s appointment included an ultrasound, an exam, and a stripping of the membranes.  I don’t really like the term membranes. I don’t really like using the word “stripping” along with it, but I suppose if that’s what they call it, then we’ll go with it! 

First the ultrasound, Bryce looked good. His head is measuring small, like Reed’s.  She did all the measurements and the computer told her he was 7 & ¾ pounds. She also said this could be plus or minus a pound, so the top end is basically 9lbs.  But, if I compare this pregnancy to Reed, as I’ve been doing all along, then I’d say he’s much smaller.  The last couple weeks with Reed in my belly, he hardly moved around.  He was apparently running out of room, which I read was common.  
They say you need to be counting kicks to make sure the baby is still active. I actually had to find a dark place to lie down after drinking orange juice to get Reed to move around. He made me very nervous! Bryce is still quite active and there is no need to be counting his kicks. He moves around like a man on a mission!

I expected to be much more uncomfortable during and after the membrane stripping.  Sitting here, a few hours later, I feel fine.  But, when I get up to walk around, I really don’t feel that great. It’s been increasingly more uncomfortable since the procedure.  Manually separating the amniotic sac from the uterus helps to trick the body into thinking it did it on its own and is supposed to produce the prostaglandins that start contractions. My hope is that I get to go into labor on my own, I’d like to wait until after the football game on Sunday to leave for the hospital so I can see my Giants win the divisional playoffs game.  Then I can cancel the induction, labor at home, and have the baby on my own!  My mom will be here Saturday night, so it would be great for Reed to have her home with him and she can bring him back and forth to the hospital to see us.

I’ve spent this week getting ready and doing my nesting.  If my nesting had anything to do with it I would have had this baby on Tuesday evening! I exhausted myself cooking up meals to freeze for later and cleaning the house. Everywhere I look I see things to throw away, donate, and organize.  I’ve been checking off things on my list like crazy, but it never seems to get any shorter. There are still so many things to do.

Of course we’ve been talking to Reed about being a big brother.  Besides the fact that I have a baby in my belly, we’ve told him that the baby is going to sleep next to mom in the moses basket and sometimes when we see little babies I tell him that we are going to have one at home soon.  He loves pictures of babies and the word baby, so I hope that he is more accepting than the average toddler.  Mike and I know that we need to be very conscious of spending quality one on one time with Reed when Bryce is here as well as making him feel involved as a big brother.  He’s a great helper already, so I’m optimistic.

If fact, I think I’m pretty optimistic about the whole situation in general.  For some reason I’m just not having a lot of negative feelings about how hard it will be, or how overwhelmed I’ll feel.  I just can’t think that way and I don’t know if being naïve is going to help or harm.  I can’t change it now anyway, but I’m trying to keep my thoughts in a positive place and just believe that I can handle it.

I am so looking forward to my mom’s visit and for Mike’s parent’s arrival a week later. Reed is so amazing, I can’t wait to show him off!  Bryce is going to be so tiny in comparison.  The other day when I was getting his diaper changing station stocked- I held up the newborn size diaper and balked. It’s so mini! It looks like it would be a banana hammock on Reed! 

The one about waddlers and toddlers (NYE Special)

I couldn’t be more in love with Reed. He has been such a pleasure to be around lately.  Sure, he’s started his “tantrum” phase that we were anticipating.  If you irritate him then he’ll just bend over at the waist and put his forehead to the floor and cry.  When he stands back up he might look right at you, with those tear stained cheeks, give you his meanest glare and yell in frustration.  This happens when you make him stop doing something dangerous, like standing on a chair, or if you take something away from him that he shouldn’t have had.  He’s a full-fledged toddler, so he comes along with all the toddler bells and whistles.

However, he’s been so sweet and wonderful to be around generally.  When Mike was getting ready to leave for Vegas last week, we both worried that Reed would test my patience and perhaps push me over the edge while he was gone.  Mike is the patient one and sometimes has to help me keep from boiling over and throwing my own fits.  Without the referee around, Reed and I could end up in a legitimate boxing match.  
Such was not the case!  I don’t know if it was a miracle gift from God, or what, but Reed and I got along so well!  We made each other laugh, we missed each other when we were apart, we played together and learned new things.  Every minute I spent with Reed I was either smothering him with kisses or holding myself back from doing so.  He played independently while I did my chores and impressed me with his self-confidence.   Saturday he sat and played with his transportation themed puzzle and then his alphabet puzzle. He was chatting to himself the whole time. Finally I had to go over and take a couple of videos because I found it so cute how interested he was in the letters. (check them out on my youtube channel)

Reed now eats pretty much all of his meals at his little table. He’s getting better with his fork- the technique we are using is called “poke and scoop” because you can’t just stab at food with his fork, once you pull it back the food comes right back off. Hence, the scooping motion.  He is learning this, but mostly he’s still just a stabber.  Gnocci is one of the more successful foods for him to eat with a fork because it does stick!  The spoon is a little harder. Again, only sticky foods are successful.  He still tries to turn the spoon upside down on the way into his mouth.

He wooshes like an airplane, baa’s like a sheep, knows the moon at night and during the day (when you can see the white trace of it in the blue sky- he will point it out to you!)  Reed has become very helpful getting dressed.  If he’s holding something, he’ll switch it from hand to hand so he can put on the shirt or jacket and he can also pull his shirt over his head when you get his arms out.  He knows cold and hot, a bit sensitive when it comes to hot things.  His food might be just a little warm or even room temperature and he’ll tell you its hot and blow on it.  I try to convince him it’s not hot, but I must not look very trustworthy when explaining this.  Yesterday he woke up too early from his nap so I wanted to rock him back to sleep for a bit, we sat in the rocker in his room and as the baby kicked, it bobbed Reed’s head around and he started to laugh.  Then he popped his head up and said, “Go Play?” 

He knows a lot of body parts- ear, cheek, eyes, hair, head, fingers, toes, knees, belly, belly-button, teeth, tongue, and nose.  You can request a kiss on the cheek and receive one! If you ask where his ears are he’ll grab one, but ask where his eyes are and he blinks.  Pull his pacifier out and ask him, “Reed, what is this?”  He smiles a very genuine smile and says, “golly-gah” I’m not sure of the correct spelling of the word, but that’s what he has named his pacifier.  Mike and I think he’s convinced that he’s actually saying “pacifier” because we don’t call it by any other name.  We don’t use the word binky, paci or anything else, so we think Reed tried his best and out came golly-gah.  It’s sweet and he never waivers and calls it by any other name. 

Reed and Ty together at a birthday party

So Mike went to Vegas for the weekend of New Year’s Eve to attend the Foust’s vow renewal. Of course, originally we had both planned on going, but when we found out we were pregnant and realized the timing would be too close for me to travel, we decided Mike had to go stag.  He left Thursday and was scheduled to arrive home Sunday night around midnight.  I fought off the blues each evening.  I don’t know what it is but, when he travels for business over a weeknight, it doesn’t affect me that way.  I enjoy eating popcorn for dinner, putting Reed to bed early, and soaking in the hot bath with a book, mud mask and some chocolates.  It seems that if it’s a weekend though, I’m not successful keeping my emotions above the black line.   I feel a sadness creeping into my chest and try to do what I can to fight it with distractions.  It helps if I can have company, so I try to make plans with friends. 

We skyped with my mom on Thursday night, which saved me completely, (Thanks Mom!).  We had Melissa and Ty over on Saturday morning for our weekly play date and took the boys to the playground at the school to wear them out.  Then Reed and I spent the rest of the day doing a little shopping and errand running.  Evening was quickly approaching and although Mike was doing a great job keeping in touch via text, I was really missing him in a bad way.  I also knew that I still had to make it through not only that night, but the whole next day and evening, and most likely be in bed when Mike was due home. The Giants were playing the Cowboys Sunday night for the NFC East title, and I’d tried to organize a watch party, but didn’t have any takers, which wasn’t helping my sadness. I got Reed to bed and was watching a dud movie while filling a photo album with prints I’d ordered.  It was New Year’s Eve and I knew I’d be in bed before 10.  At 9pm I got a text from Mike that said, What’s up? What are you doing? To which I replied, “Thinkin’ bout you”  He texted back, “Really?!” and that’s when I heard the garage door open.  In a few seconds my confusion started to clear and I was making my list of possibilities for what could be happening.  This is the order in which I chose the scenarios. #1.  The wind was blowing 25-35mph with gusts up to 50 at this time, so I considered the fact that it had somehow tripped the garage door opener and caused it to open.  I’m not an electrician, but I’ve seen the wind do crazy things, and pushing buttons or short circuiting wires didn’t seem like much of a reach. #2.  Burglar/Murderer/rapist (soon to be non-rapist when he discovers he broke into the house of a huge pregnant lady).  This would have been a burglar who misread the low lighting and the missing vehicle for an empty house. #3.  Mike is surprising me by coming home a whole day early and choosing not to spend NYE in Sin City with all his old college buddies? A waddling wife just a mere couple weeks away from my due date & a toddling high-maintenance miniature maniac do not seem a fair substitute – let alone upgrade, worthy of a change fee!

I decided to go with #1 as the most realistic, so I needed to go close the garage door.  With #2 in mind, I opened (just a crack) the previously locked door between the laundry room and the garage to get some surveillance.

What I saw in the dim lighting of our driveway was my tall-dark-&-handsome husband pulling his luggage from the truck! I flew across the garage (as much as anyone carrying an extra 30 pounds can fly) and wrapped my arms around Mike’s neck, all the while alternating kisses with lines such as “What are you doing here!?” and “I can’t believe you’re home!” as well as “Oh my goodness! You came home early!” He could only laugh.

Surprise! Mike's home! 

The conversation that followed, as we snuggled together on the couch, could only be classified as a lecture.  Apparently, I am not allowed to open a locked door when there is a possibility of a murderer in our garage. Our marriage is a fluid and flexible thing.  New rules are continuously added as we go.  This usually has something to do with me doing something unsatisfactory. Either way, it's tough to keep up.  *wink*

Needless to say, I am the luckiest girl in the world.  My husband had the opportunity to spend NYE in the city that never sleeps- yet changed his flight to come home for a sober and quiet evening with his family.  We did not watch the clock officially bring 2012 to central standard time, we instead wished each other happy new year when we awoke in each other’s arms the next morning.

The one about Christmas 2011

Where did the time go?  One minute I’m watching the stack of presents grow under the tree and waiting oh so impatiently for Christmas, the next minute I’m surrounded by the shreds of paper and crushed cardboard boxes.  I knew this month would go fast. December always does.  I don’t think there is an actual month between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I mean, sure the calendar makes it appear that way, but we all know that it’s a big conspiracy.

Reed was spoiled for Christmas, not surprisingly.  He has too many people that want to put a smile on his face- so of course the UPS man made several trips to our house in the last few weeks.  Lucky for us, Reed didn’t remember what the shiny wrapped packages meant.  He’d forgotten since his birthday was four months ago, that beneath the bright paper and tape was something meant to entertain him and drive us crazy.

Since Christmas was on a Sunday, it felt like a 4 day holiday.  Friday night we did a Christmas light bike ride around Nicols Hills.  We bundled up in hats, mittens, scarves, and heavy coats.  We made a warm rice pack for Reed’s lap, a thermos of hot cocoa and hauled our bikes down to the meeting place near Mike’s office.  Chesapeake does amazing lights throughout their campus.  Wrapping every branch of every tree.  It’s beautiful, and a tradition for families all over the city to drive through the area to watch the trees twinkle.  Reed rode snug and warm in his trailer to the Starbucks on May & 63^rd where we all parked stopped for cocoa and pastries.  Reed, the life of the party, made it a point to mingle the crowd and get plenty of approving smiles.  
The ride back was a little more chilly as it was getting later, but we passed some extravagant Christmas light displays on the way!  The morning of Christmas eve, we all opened one gift.  The normal family tradition is to open them on Christmas eve-eve, but we figured it was Saturday morning and we could use the amusement. Reed opened his new table and chair set that Grandma and Grandpa Franklin sent.  Mike assembled it and Reed has loved it ever since. He knows it’s his own space to sit and have his snacks or read his books. He loves being a big boy.

Mike bought me a portable Bluetooth Bose speaker so I can play great sounding music from my iphone or ipod.  I have Pandora premium on my phone, so we streamed one of the Christmas channels the whole rest of the day.  Mike opened a long sleeved Orbea team bike jersey that I got him to match his new road bike. He wore it on his 50 mile ride that afternoon.

Christmas morning was pretty sweet.  It took Reed hours – literally hours, to open presents.  He was very distracted by each gift he opened and most of the time just wandered off into the pantry to find a snack or go climb on a chair.  He was spoiled with so many great gifts, as were both Mike and I.  One thing I thought was really special is that both sets of Reed's grandparents sent a record-able story book!  It took me by surprise - how special that Reed can now sit down with a book and hear his grandmas read to him.  I thought for sure they must have talked to each other about it- but nope, it turned out to be a coincidence!  Mike's mom sent a "Cars" storybook that she read to him and my mom sent one about the story of Christmas.

Reed also got the dancing, singing, drumming Elmo that has fascinated him at the store for weeks.  Thanks to his Uncle Coy and Cory- he can now torture the toy in his own home. 
I only wish I had taken more pictures on Christmas day.  We started out really good- taking a bunch, but then we put the camera down and didn't end up taking very many after all.  Reed looked so cute dressed up for church- he always does.

We headed to Cassie and Keith’s to share Christmas lunch with their family before church service at 3pm and on the way home Reed’s mood took a dramatic swing.

We spent the afternoon trying to comfort him and just knew something was wrong. He cried and writhed in pain but we didn’t know what was wrong. We tried giving him a bath as a distraction but he slumped against me and fell asleep.  On the way out of the tub and into the towel in Mike’s arms he started vomiting. This was the first time Reed has ever been sick to his tummy. He’s had sinus infections and colds- but never this.  It was so sad to see him exhaust himself emptying everything in his belly.  
The rest of the evening he spent sleeping it off and when he woke at 9:30pm he was happy as a hippo looking around at all his toys and wanting to play.  But, we brushed his teeth and put him to bed.  The next morning our resilient little man popped up like nothing had ever happened.

I hate not knowing what made him sick- was it something he ate? Was it a bug he picked up? I guess we’ll never know, but I’m so thankful that he kicked it so quickly!

The one about “amnesia”

Almost 1 year and 4 months ago I had a baby. In a few weeks I’ll be going into labor again to give birth to my second son.
When I was little I heard stories of mommies having babies and how horrible of an event it was. Sometimes the mommies even died! I heard about this through a country song on the radio, so I knew that it must have been at least as common as rodeo cowboys with long distance lovers. The screaming, sweating, irate women on TV scared the ever living out of me! In any case, I wanted my own baby by the time I was 9. This is mostly due to the fact that I was consistently reassured throughout my childhood that moms are given the gift of amnesia regarding labor and delivery and the reason they continue to have babies is because they forget the pain, forget the fear, and forget generally all negative memories of it. I accepted this information and proceeded forward with my plan.

However, I now realize that I never fully completed my research. I should have included an expected onset date for the amnesia. Perhaps if I had an ETA, I could have planned the spacing between my children better. I suppose I was under the impression that I would forget within the first few weeks of the baby’s life.

Here I am creeping up on my due date and each time I allow myself to think about the delivery I experience a significant amount of anxiety. I have experienced this anxiety throughout the whole pregnancy, all the while fully expecting my “amnesia” to set in at any time.

The problem, you see, is that I do remember. I remember the pain, I remember the frustration I had with myself for not being able to make it easier, I remember the hopeless feeling that it wasn’t going to end. I remember trying to make decisions based on the least amount of sacrifice and the safest, healthiest outcome. I remember fighting to stay strong and determined, while battling wanting to give up (not that it was an option, but it was the state of mind). I remember squirming both physically and mentally and searching desperately for relief.

Reed’s birth, as beautiful and wonderful as the event was- was the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced. Afterwards, I was very focused on the outcome (baby Reed) and had detached myself somewhat from the journey it took to get there. Plus there was plenty to distract us those first few days in the hospital, with all the tests and procedures Reed had to endure.

I also hadn’t fully realized at the time, just how much in jeopardy Reed’s life was during his birth. It was clearly spelled out on our discharge paperwork, which I read after coming home from the hospital. (I pushed for nearly 3 hours. At the end, Reed got stuck at his chest and was without life support for 3 minutes, because the birth canal had clamped his umbilical cord.)

I was in labor for 28 hours. I promise you, I remember each of those 28 hours. Gave up at 12 hours and got the epidural, which I initially declined and was determined not to have, then pushed for over 2 and a half hours before having my baby whisked across the room before I could even lay eyes on his tiny face.

I’m planning on this labor being a completely different story- but the key word here is “Labor”, which it still will be. Either way, I’m pushing this baby out.

I want to have this baby, but I don’t really want to have this baby. I also don’t want a c-section; I can’t imagine trying to care for an infant and a toddler while recovering from surgery!
This blog post may have some of you thinking what weenie I am. Especially you moms out there, but that can be explained. You were fortunate enough to experience the amnesia that I was so crudely robbed of. This fear and anxiety that I’m having about my “D-day” is clearly evidence of that!

The one about Reed #2

Everyone keeps saying, “This Christmas is going to be so fun with Reed!” To which I want to reply, “Every day is fun with Reed!”  I don’t mean to downplay what they’re trying to say, I know they mean that he’s going to understand more this year and have fun opening presents on Christmas morning.  But, what I say is true- every day is fun with Reed!

He cracks me up every single day with his mischievous smile, his stubborn independence and his sly charm.  The expressions he can come up with are downright hilarious sometimes. 

Reed is learning at such an incredible rate that we have to consciously remember to keep up with him and challenge him mentally. 

At his friend, Luke’s birthday, Reed impressed the other moms and Luke’s grandma.  Multiple times she commented on what a difference 3 months makes.  It’s true!  I can’t wait for either of our parents to see Reed again.  My mom was here for his birthday in August and Mike’s mom saw him last when she came in September for my birthday.  He has grown and changed significantly.  Even in his face and his body, I feel that he is turning into a boy and I see much less of my little baby. 

This will be our last Christmas with only one baby- next year Reed’s brother will be here to share it with him and the family traditions will start to solidify.  I can only imagine the mischief they will cause together and the scams they will come up with!  When I think about my own childhood, I can only shake my head and brace myself for what I have coming to me. 

I’m sure you’re wondering, so I’ll address the name issue.  Yes, this baby is still nameless.  We haven’t spent much time or effort trying to resolve the matter, mostly because it makes me really anxious.  Some people have told me to “just wait till he’s born and figure it out in the hospital” but that is the worst option I can think of!  Nothing could make me more stressed out about it- I definitely need to know before-hand.  Sitting there in the hospital trying to fill out the papers and not being able to put pen to paper and feeling completely rushed into something is not the way I want to name my child.

I still don’t understand why it can’t be as easy as it was with Reed.  I just want to be sure. I want to know without a doubt that we are choosing the right name for the baby.  I am even starting to doubt my desire to have his initials be the same as mine.  What if he doesn’t like being named after his mom?  What if he feels less of a man because Reed’s middle name is after his dad, but his name is based on mom? 

Could I over-analyze this more?  :o) Probably not!

He sure looks like Reed.  We had an ultrasound recently and when they flipped it over to 3D, he had his hands in front of his face.  But, a couple of times he would shift just enough to catch it at an angle where we could see most of his face, and all I could see was Reed. Maybe we’ll just name him Reed #2.

 That’s a terrible idea, forget I said that! 

The one where we all fall ill

I now realize why they include “in sickness and in health” in wedding vows. Maybe they should also have you sign something similar in the hospital after you deliver a baby. I really don’t want to complain or make this post come out sounding whiny and negative, but I do want to update and inform!  For four weeks now I’ve been in a battle with mucus. It started out as painful chest pressure which developed into a nasty cough.  I was sleeping in the guest room so that I could just cough freely and get up as needed without disturbing anyone.  My nights were extremely long and restless. Each week things evolved in some form as I took my rounds of antibiotic, which I am convinced were sugar pills.  At this point, it’s mostly in my sinuses, the cough is down to just the necessity and I’m healing from the rib injury that this all caused last week.

I know it sounds crazy to you and me, but both my PCP and my OB weren’t surprised when I told them about the snapping/popping I felt in my ribs.  The diagnosis is fuzzy, fractured rib- broken cartilage- a joint that connects the ribs, in any case it’s excruciating pain.  Last Thursday when it happened, I felt helpless. I couldn’t move any part of my body without swearing from the pain. I felt like I’d been pulled into a very dark place and I couldn’t get an emotional release because even when I tried to cry about it – the pain in my ribs ended that, too.

Now I’m suffering from all of the over compensating I’ve been doing for my right side.  I try to do everything with my left (open doors, steer the car, grab things off a shelf or out of a drawer) and I have to lean and hold my side in order to cough.  This causes a lot of tweaking throughout the rest of my body.  Ah, the human body! What an amazing thing it is that everything works together and not one single part is isolated.  It’s just too easy to acquire an injury somewhere else while trying to heal from the original one!

This all started just before Thanksgiving.  I know we’re not the only ones either- I can scroll through my facebook newsfeed at any given moment and someone is complaining about being sick.  The crap is going around.  We even canceled our trip to Indiana because Mike’s family was passing around a stomach bug and on top of that Reed woke up with an unexplained fever on Wednesday morning that didn’t go away until halfway through Saturday!  Poor Reedster! He’s a trooper though.  I have to applaud his resilience.  He was whiny and needy each time the fever spiked above 103, but the rest of the time he was very smiley and happy as he ran around with a 100-101 degree temperature.

We even took our family pictures during his fever days! 

This past Sunday Mike finally fell from his throne.  Through all of this, he hadn’t waivered at all.  Healthy as an ox, or something.  He spent a couple of days down with the stomach bug and it was hard for Reed and me to see him that way.  Mike is our rock! We get sick and he takes care of us, and that’s the way it works!  So, it was hard to see him suffering from chills, snuggled under blankets, eyelids drooping and all I could do was stand there and feel helpless.