Reed is two months old today! Its cool to flip through my pictures and see how much he's changed already. It's also amazing to think how much I've changed. I feel older, and with this luggage under my eyes I know I look it! I feel like someone took a lock off my heart and opened an undiscovered chamber. I never knew I could love this much.
If I get frustrated, tired, irritable... all I have to do is look into Reed's face and it all gets wiped away. When he cries I know he's not trying to get on my nerves, the poor little guy is just trying to tell me something and I need to pay attention! I guess I try not to look at his face when he cries or else it would break my heart too much! Of course I don't let him cry as much as I can help it but since he really hates having his diaper changed and has something against his carseat then there's really nothing I can do but try to get it over with as quickly as possible!
I've returned to work this week and I discovered some interesting feelings. Monday I was sitting at my desk and going through my emails and getting back into "work mode". It was a strange feeling I had- I felt normal! It almost felt like I had woken up from a dream that I had a baby. The previous 8 weeks of sitting on the couch 20 hours a day at home with a baby attached to me felt very distant. Except I have both lives now and every other day I will be switching back and forth. My two lives are merging!
I missed him on Monday but yesterday Mike stayed home with him while I was at work and not only did I miss him but I felt so left out!! It was all I could do to keep my hands off my phone and not call or text constantly and ask, "what are you guys doing now? How 'bout now? How 'bout now?" I was jealous of Mike and excited for him at the same time. He finally got to see what a day was like at home with Reed. A whole day where Reed was completely dependent on his daddy for all his needs and his smiles, too! There were a couple challenging moments but daddy made it through and he didn't have to call me for help. I knew he wouldn't, he's very capable of taking care of his son. He just doesn't have the convenience of being able to lift up his shirt to soothe Reed, like I do. I agree, it's kind of cheating. Even if he's not hungry it always calms him down when he's upset.
I had this feeling all day that Reed was going to have a bunch of "firsts" while I was at work. I kept thinking, sure, I'll get home and it will be like, "oh guess what? Reed started crawling today! and talking! and solving algebra equations!"
Reed has been doing exceptionally well at night and Miek and I are both getting excited that the full nights sleep is coming soon! He's logged in some long stretches so I know we are turning a corner. Now if I could just get rid of what I call the 'ghost cries' in my head. I hope I'm not the only person who experiences this, but at night somehow my mind seems to find baby cries tucked into the white noise of the darkness. I'm talking serious, full on throwing a fit! Screaming, crying, gasping- variations in tone and volume! And it's not real! This started in the very beginning actually when I would take naps and Reed would be hanging out with Mike or one of our family members. It really had me confused then because I was convinced that he was out there wailing and needed me so bad. But, when I got up and went to comfort him, he was happy as a hippo just hanging out. Now that he's been sleeping in his room and we're using the monitor, I'm paranoid that the monitor isn't turned up loud enough and I can hear the 'ghost cries' echoing in my head. Its completely 100% my imagination and drives me crazy! I have to sit up- look at the monitor, check the volume, and sometimes walk across the house to check on him. But when I get back in bed I STILL HEAR IT! Even after I've confirmed that it's not real, I still hear it.
I swear it's going to put me in the crazy house if it doesn't stop. Why do I imagine my baby crying? Can't I imagine him laughing instead?
If I get frustrated, tired, irritable... all I have to do is look into Reed's face and it all gets wiped away. When he cries I know he's not trying to get on my nerves, the poor little guy is just trying to tell me something and I need to pay attention! I guess I try not to look at his face when he cries or else it would break my heart too much! Of course I don't let him cry as much as I can help it but since he really hates having his diaper changed and has something against his carseat then there's really nothing I can do but try to get it over with as quickly as possible!
I've returned to work this week and I discovered some interesting feelings. Monday I was sitting at my desk and going through my emails and getting back into "work mode". It was a strange feeling I had- I felt normal! It almost felt like I had woken up from a dream that I had a baby. The previous 8 weeks of sitting on the couch 20 hours a day at home with a baby attached to me felt very distant. Except I have both lives now and every other day I will be switching back and forth. My two lives are merging!
I missed him on Monday but yesterday Mike stayed home with him while I was at work and not only did I miss him but I felt so left out!! It was all I could do to keep my hands off my phone and not call or text constantly and ask, "what are you guys doing now? How 'bout now? How 'bout now?" I was jealous of Mike and excited for him at the same time. He finally got to see what a day was like at home with Reed. A whole day where Reed was completely dependent on his daddy for all his needs and his smiles, too! There were a couple challenging moments but daddy made it through and he didn't have to call me for help. I knew he wouldn't, he's very capable of taking care of his son. He just doesn't have the convenience of being able to lift up his shirt to soothe Reed, like I do. I agree, it's kind of cheating. Even if he's not hungry it always calms him down when he's upset.
I had this feeling all day that Reed was going to have a bunch of "firsts" while I was at work. I kept thinking, sure, I'll get home and it will be like, "oh guess what? Reed started crawling today! and talking! and solving algebra equations!"
Reed has been doing exceptionally well at night and Miek and I are both getting excited that the full nights sleep is coming soon! He's logged in some long stretches so I know we are turning a corner. Now if I could just get rid of what I call the 'ghost cries' in my head. I hope I'm not the only person who experiences this, but at night somehow my mind seems to find baby cries tucked into the white noise of the darkness. I'm talking serious, full on throwing a fit! Screaming, crying, gasping- variations in tone and volume! And it's not real! This started in the very beginning actually when I would take naps and Reed would be hanging out with Mike or one of our family members. It really had me confused then because I was convinced that he was out there wailing and needed me so bad. But, when I got up and went to comfort him, he was happy as a hippo just hanging out. Now that he's been sleeping in his room and we're using the monitor, I'm paranoid that the monitor isn't turned up loud enough and I can hear the 'ghost cries' echoing in my head. Its completely 100% my imagination and drives me crazy! I have to sit up- look at the monitor, check the volume, and sometimes walk across the house to check on him. But when I get back in bed I STILL HEAR IT! Even after I've confirmed that it's not real, I still hear it.
I swear it's going to put me in the crazy house if it doesn't stop. Why do I imagine my baby crying? Can't I imagine him laughing instead?
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