The one about comparisons & the blues

Bryce is such a sweet little boy, I wish everyone could meet him.  He’s six weeks old today! Its hard to believe I’ll be going back to work and he’ll be starting school in two weeks. Our quality time together is coming to an end. I’m trying to make a conscious effort to give him as much love and attention as I did Reed, but of course, it’s not really possible.

Reed was our first so there are just too many emotions that cannot be replicated on the second go ‘round.  They also say that one of the worst things is to compare your kids.  But, HOW am I expected not to?  When I think of Bryce’s birth weight, I think of him being a pound less than Reed.  When I work with Bryce on his strength (tummy time & sitting to hold his head up) I think about how strong Reed was as a newborn.  Bryce’s first smile compared to the timing of Reed’s. 

I can’t help but trying to make sure that Bryce’s development is on track with Reed’s. I know he’s his own little person, but this is the only way I know to make sure he’s not getting behind, and to remind myself to work with and challenge Bryce, the way we did with Reed every day.  I don’t have as much time or desire really to re-read all the baby development books and emails. 

Reed is so smart and we know that it’s because Mike and I work with him daily. He can identify all the letters in the alphabet and loves to show off that skill.  When Reed is praised and encouraged he will do anything!  His goal in life is to win approval and get applause.  I love the way he says “H” and “W” (dubby). S, Q, and X are up there, too.  He’s a little mocking bird!  Which raises a question- when we were driving this weekend, Mike hit the brakes a little hard and Reed said, “Dit”.  I have to wonder how much I swear when I drive!

Bryce loves to be held, but is much better about sitting on his own than Reed ever was.  Reed needed me to hold him every second of every day as an infant.

They say second babies are supposed to be easier- but I want to make sure that just because he’s a little easier, he doesn’t get neglected and left to lay on his play mat by himself for too long.  I will do my best to make sure he doesn’t have a flat head!

Bryce is settling into a nighttime sleep routine and becoming a much better sleeper.  I’m happy to turn the corner on that one because even though he doesn’t really sleep any longer that he was before, but he’s sleeping more peacefully. Less grunting and squirming.  We’ve been trying to get him to sleep alone in his cradle and he’s been doing much better.  I snuggled him to me and he slept in our bed for the first 2-3 weeks.

Reed started out pretty rough with Bryce, he would rock him in the car seat but enough to make us worry about shaken baby syndrome!  He would also try to give Bryce his pacifier (Reed thinks that since he’s an addict, then his brother should be, too) but he was really shoving it in there and has gotten much more gentle about it.  I can confidently ask him to give Bryce his pacifier if he’s crying and I’ve got my hands full.  He loves to lie down with Bryce when he’s on the floor. Sometimes ON him. And it melts my heart to hear Reed say his name, “Bye-ssssss”.

Most days I don’t accomplish anything.  I try to get a nap every day, but when Reed is home it’s nearly impossible.  They like to tag team me. When one is up, the other is sleeping. If I get that one down, the other wakes up.  But, it’s also a good thing because it makes them more manageable when I take care of them one at a time.  It’s a lot less overwhelming to be able to fix Reed’s lunch and feed him while Bryce is sleeping. 

I recently had a bout of the baby blues.  Its difficult for me to feel like I’m not doing anything productive.  To have projects in mind, goals I’d like to accomplish and things to work on, but not have the energy even if I do find the time.  I’m just below maintenance mode.  Barely keeping some laundry clean to wear, barely keeping some dishes clean to eat from.  No motivation or energy to get myself showered, hair done or make up applied. Even being embarrassed of my appearance when I drop Reed off at school wasn’t enough motivation to do something about it.

I was letting myself dip lower and lower each day- forcing myself to laugh for Reed and go through the motions. You know the old theory about smiling when you feel blue- and it actually helps to lift your mood?  It does.  But, it also just made me roller coaster a bit more.

I talked to Mike about it and my friend Melissa- I was surprised how much it helped just to say I was feeling sad! Then, last Saturday we had a friend watch the boys so we could grab dinner and a movie.  I was feeling pretty sparky and was finally able to quench my margarita craving.  It really felt like normal again. Being with my husband, wearing clothes and make-up and laughing over a frozen drink.  I also think that Lortab has anti-depressant properties, because I haven’t taken one for about a week now and I think after a few days it was like I was crashing off the medication.  I didn’t want to take one just to feel “good” if I wasn’t in pain- that’s not my thing- but don’t think I didn’t think about it and wonder if that was the cause.

I’m lucky to have really good friends that care about me and my family.  I make an effort to see them frequently and not squander too much of my time just moping about.  Although, sometimes moping about feels good, too!

The one about Elmo!

I have to attempt to get this story down real quick! I have had literally no time to blog lately, which really bums me out because there is so much I’d love to record about this time in our lives.  Hopefully in the next few days I’ll be able to buckle down and get some thoughts tapped out about the boys.

Right now I want to focus on last week’s trip to the library for the celebrity appearance by the big red fuzz himself, Elmo!

My Reed is one of the coolest toddlers around.  He hardly has any fear and I’m not sure there is a shy bone in his body.  Oh, he’ll feign shyness at times, but it’s only because he thinks it’s cute.

So, we heard that Elmo was coming at our weekly “story-time” hour at the library on Tuesday.  Something that I wouldn’t be able to live without at this point.  They were actually warning people to stay away from the library on Thursday because Elmo was coming and it was going to be so packed and chaotic.  Well, I wasn’t afraid and I knew it was an opportunity for something special for Reed.  So, I loaded sleeping Bryce in the sling and lead Reed into the library.  The children’s room was backed full to the brim. There had to be about 60 people stuffed in there so I kept Reed out in the reading area at a table with a book until Elmo arrived. 

As soon as Reed saw Elmo walking through the library he hopped up and ran over to him shouting, “Elmo!”  He got a hug and a little interaction with just him and another little boy.  The other mom and I were both taking pictures along with a lady from the newspaper. 

After a few minutes they had to usher Elmo into the Children’s Room to perform for the awaiting crowd.  We followed them in and Reed didn’t waste much time before he wiggled his way through so he could stand front and center before Elmo.  The library staff had to lead him back to me … a couple of times. 

After reading two books, it was time to do the hokey pokey and they let all the kids get up and dance in front of Elmo.  Reed again made his way up to Elmo so he could regain his “number one fan” status.  The library staff still attempted to hold Reed back just a bit so Elmo didn’t trip over him.

When Elmo had to take a break and leave the room for a bit, we did too.  I took Reed out to the tables and gave him an applesauce while we looked at books.  When Elmo returned the TV crew was waiting for him and so was Reed!  The reporter fell in love with Reed while they were waiting for the camera man to set up and after oohing and ahhing over how cute he is, she asked if they could use him during the interview! Of course! By this time, Reed had become very comfortable around Elmo and wasn’t nearly as star struck as he was just 20 minutes earlier.  He easily gave Elmo high fives on demand for the camera. 

Not only was I extremely excited for that my little man got to meet his first celebrity, I was insanely proud of him for being so cool.  I was capturing photo after photo with my phone so I could send them to everyone in my contacts list.  Even two hours later, I still felt high on the excitement of the morning! I couldn’t stop sending the pictures that I’d taken and realized that I’d had my first taste of this “mommy madness” and pride.  I felt a little retarded that I couldn’t come down from my cloud.  It was a man in a fuzzy red suit for crying out loud.

My baby boy had his first TV appearance under his belt!  He was live on a local Oklahoma City morning show- and I was ready to teach him how to sign autographs.  To view the video clip online, click here.  You might have to look around a bit to find “Elmo Visits Library” under morning news, if the link doesn’t take you directly there.

Also, here is the link for the Edmond Sun Newspaper story. 

The one where I confess

This blog was never intended to be written. I was initially so ashamed of my feelings that I had a hard time even sharing them with Mike.  Just to speak the words out loud brought me to frantic tears.  Even though this story will be deeply personal (and I still wonder if writing about it publicly is the right thing to do) I feel that I want to for a couple of reasons.  Writing helps me deal with my emotions and make sense of them.  Somehow getting them out of my heart and into black and white words helps me to disconnect from negative emotions like fear, guilt, anxiety, and burden.  The organization of words is like organizing the tornado of emotions swirling inside me.  Gradually it all starts to slow down settle gently into place.

The other reason is to hopefully find someone to relate to.  Surely I’m not the only one that felt this way upon the birth of a second child.  Surely its normal, common, or at the very least not completely unheard of.  If nothing else, then sharing it with my friends who desire to have a second child will be more prepared than I was.

From the day we got the news that we were expecting another boy I had a fear that I wouldn’t be able to forge a bond with this baby.  Reed was my shining star, the twinkle in my eye, my everything.  I couldn’t expect to love another boy the way I loved Reed.  He consumed my entire heart, and I thought that only by having a girl, would I be able to unlock more of my heart to love another child.  I have previously expressed my feelings of love for Reed thoroughly so I’ll move on.   So, I convinced myself that it would be fine- people who have multiple children can tell you every day that they love their babies differently but equally.  This is what I was expecting to happen.  I had a fear that I couldn’t love Bryce as much as I love Reed, but was comforted by the idea that it just happens.

What actually happened was completely unexpected. I was utterly unprepared for the cold numbness that came over my heart.  Sitting on the couch, I watched my mom playing with Reed and I knew how I was supposed to feel when I looked at his smiling eyes.  I knew how I felt just days before… but suddenly there were no wings on my heart.  There was no sparkle or shimmer or song in the air between us.  Reed was just a boy.  Beautiful, happy and charming, but just a boy.  My chest turned to lead as I realized that something was wrong with me and I couldn’t stop the tears that followed.  What happened!? Where did my love go?!  It wasn’t fair and I was so angry and ashamed of it.  I knew what was missing because it was just there a couple days ago and then suddenly it had vanished.

I kept trying.  I tried to miss him when he wasn’t in my sight. I tried to feel that connection with my little man.  I tried to fill my heart with pride as he worked his alphabet puzzle and impressed everyone watching.  I tried to feel that pang of envy when someone else made him laugh.  I knew what I was supposed to feel, from memory, but I couldn’t dig the emotions up inside me. It was driving me insane.  Reed didn’t do anything to deserve this.  He didn’t do anything wrong.

So there I sat, watching each day pass by from my spot on the couch, feeling nothing but shame and guilt for not being able to love my shining star.  I ached inside.  I wanted to pull him into my arms and take care of him again, the way it was when it was just the two of us. My mom came and went, Mike’s parents had also come and gone. They were a tremendous help since I was still in so much pain from the delivery.  Every movement made me hurt, even lortab only took the edge off the pain, so I saved my physical activity for getting myself to the bathroom and back.  Those first couple weeks I had to have someone do everything for me and I couldn’t be afraid to ask for the simple favors that really added up throughout the day.  “Can you bring me some water?  Will you slice me an apple?”  The resting and recovering were keeping me from doing things with Reed. I couldn’t pick him up. I couldn’t snuggle him at night before bed or hold him in the morning.  He loves to be held, but he’s not a lap-loving boy, which was the only way I could be close to him.  It broke my heart even more when I tried to sit on the floor with him and hold him close, because he’d pull away and find something to busy himself. 

To make matters worse, I found myself emotionally neglecting my new baby.  At one point I realized that I’d been going through the motions with Bryce- feeding him, changing him, comforting and holding him.  But, I’d been so focused on trying to find my love for Reed, that I was neglecting Bryce.  I didn’t want to fall in love with him if I couldn’t fall back in love with Reed.  That was too much betrayal. I knew this was stupid, but even still I couldn’t just stop. I had to make a conscious effort to look Bryce in the face and smile and love him.  When I did, I knew that I loved his tiny nose, his fuzzy ears, his long eyelashes and heart shaped lips.

The logical side of me sent constant reminders- I have a lot of crazy hormones working themselves through my body. I just had a baby, I’m starting to breastfeed, I’m sleep deprived, in pain, and on pain medication.  I can’t blame myself for my feelings and I’m sure it will all work out in due time. I just had to give myself a couple of weeks for the pregnancy hormones to flush out and things inside me to settle down. 

Patience. I had to ask myself for more patience, which anyone who knows me knows I could use a great deal more of.  I think it’s especially hard to be patient with yourself, because you expect your brain to be able to control your heart.  However, just because you can think it- doesn’t mean you can feel it. I think we can all relate to that.

It wasn’t sudden, and I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when it happened, but the ice melted and my heart was able to swell at the sight of my Reed again.  To be able to entice a chuckle from him and feel whole again.  To hug him and kiss him and tell him I love him and to feel REAL again. 

Going through this I thought- no one should ever know.  I’ll never tell anyone, I’ll fake this thing all the way and I’ll never admit to it if they guess. This is the worst thing that can happen to a mother’s heart. But, now that I’m on the other side of it, I think it will be good to share the experience.  Or, as I mentioned earlier, at least get the therapeutic benefits from writing about it. I wish I were more emotionally stable (post partum), it makes me feel bad for my loved ones around me who have to suffer from it!  I’m in the upper 99s on percentage of how sure I am that this is my last baby.  I enjoy many aspects of the miracle of life, all the way from conception to holding the brand new body in my arms and looking into the teeny face.  However, there are too many reasons to stop now and just raise my boys with all the love and attention that I can give them.