Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The one about Decker turning one!

Yes, Christmas was a big deal this year because Decker was almost one and Reed was over 2. They loved making a mess out of the gifts, wouldn't stay on task with the opening of the presents and made the whole ordeal chaotic to say the least.  They are two funny boys, that's for sure.
Reed memorizes anything you tell him and fixates on the most obscure things. He can rattle off his birthday and Decker's birthday, too. He knows almost half the states on a map of the US and lyrics to countless songs both children's genre and non.  Decker has the temper of a pin-less grenade. Things that can really tick him off include: avoiding him (walking away when he is headed straight for me), removing an item from his path that he has set his sights on, taking a dangerous item from his hands or mouth that he has committed his heart to. These are sure fire ways to make him scream like a banshee and demonstrate a full body seizure.  We thought Reed was our "Strong Willed Child" (he exhibits all the classic signs: doesn't respond to discipline, constantly tests boundaries, repeats bad behavior, doesn't "listen" or "obey") and was the inspiration to my purchase of a book that helps us parent a "Strong Willed Child". But Decker is an early bloomer in this field. He has reached "Strong Willed Child" status in record time.
God has dealt me quite the hand here, and I can't help but toss a skeptical glance upwards. I rank dangerously low on the scale of patience (confirmed by a recent personality assessment I completed at work). However, the love I have for these two terrorists, and my responsibility to them and what will become of them, gives me hope that I can do well.
Decker is one and I have found a whole new meaning to birthdays. Becoming a parent makes each birthday an anniversary of a miracle, and you just don't realize that when you're passing the years blowing out candles and stringing together wishes of true love and world peace.
Since we are officially done having kids... each of Decker's "firsts" is also a "last".  The first time he pulled up, would be the last time we would celebrate our baby pulling up for the first time. Lucky for us he's stringing them out. Where Reed was so advanced, Decker is taking his time. He's not a walker yet, he's still a cruiser. He takes a few running/falling steps. It is hilarious that he's not cautious or afraid of walking. It's not that he doesn't want to or is scared, it's just that he physically lacks the balance to do it. We are very proud that our boys aren't afraid of much.  He'll let go of the ottoman to walk to me and do a face plant, sit himself up without crying and then just crawl to me.
He babbles but has no words besides "mama, dada". The closest thing, which I think is absolutely adorable is "Happy Birthday". He enjoys the song so much that he lights up and tries to mimic the sounds as it's being sung.  It comes out like "Hap-a-bububub" and he thinks he's pretty cute, too. How unique for a first, right?
His birthday was a success and a big hit, to boot. We had a great turn-out and lots of their friends were able to make it.  For the theme we went with Race Cars- in black and blue colors.  I had black and white checkered banners, blue and black streamers, black and white checker-flag balloons, and matching water bottle labels with the word "FUEL" printed on them. Mike built an amazing ramp for their hotwheels and thoroughly impressed all of our adult friends just as much as their kids. We held it in our neighborhood clubhouse, like we did for Reed's first birthday and it is a great space for kids because there's nothing of mine that they can break or get into! Yay!
Decker loved his cake. He planted his hands on each side of his tray and just dipped his face down to get mouthfuls of frosting. Steady, and calm, he literally "dove right in". In the end he was covered in frosting and we had to remove his birthday shirt that I made for his special day.  It had ONE in white block letters and DECK across the back. I did checkered epaulets on the shoulders, too, complete with black buttons.

The one about the big loss


It has been a long time since I've sat down to write. One obvious excuse is how busy the holidays are, there seems to be plenty of things to keep me busy during every nap of every day.  Even when I did have time to sit and put some words down, I was afraid of what thoughts I might share before I’m ready to express what I’m feeling.  I like my blog to be honest and true, with no diversions or evasions. The holidays had a dark cloud over them this year.  Losing my father in law was such a life-altering blow.  He was essential to our lives, our futures, our plans. Dealing with it has been so difficult for us, and since this is my blog, I can say – It’s been difficult for me.  Even though I was only his daughter in law and even though I've only known him seven wonderful years, it hit me really hard.  I've had an internal battle about how much “right” I have to grieve over him.  I didn't have a solid father figure growing up, but I married into one and I felt like that was God’s way of making it up to me. I get to experience what it’s like to have a great dad- and just in time, a Grandfather to my boys! Even better! The anger set in almost immediately.  I've been robbed. My husband has been robbed. My sons have been robbed.  If this is God’s plan, I can’t see how this could be for the better. In what way is the world now a better place? A man who radiated God’s gifts, strong and masculine, committed and principled, loving and fun.  A man who is so well balanced that he touched the lives of virtually everyone who knew him.  I've got a list a mile long of people that the world could do without.  Get rid of them to make the world a better place. I've got 5 people I would trade to have Danny back.  No questions asked.
My friend Cassie said she wouldn't wish that loss on anyone. I would if it meant I could do the trade. My brother says God is selfish and wanted Danny with him.  If he was so selfish, he would leave Danny here with us to ensure more men (namely his sons and grandsons and great-grandsons) would follow the path to heaven.
I know everyone grieves differently.  I wish I could just be sad, but I’m angry.  It’s unfair.  Nothing about it is right. It’s been over a month and I still get angry when I think about it. I have regret. I regret time I wasted while he was still here. I regret not draining him of his wisdom by asking his opinions on certain things or getting more of his advice.  I regret not giving him a great big hug the last time I saw him… I was distracted about our road trip home and gave him one of those one-armed, half-hugs. I regret not taking videos of him reading books to the boys, or bouncing them on his knee singing the “horses going to town-spilling the buttermilk” song.  
Danny was a substantial man. I mean, he was a bid dude, but also such a strong force. It’s hard to believe that he’s not in this world anymore.  Danny was the kind of guy that could make you feel so special.  If he loved you, then you were the bees knees. And the funny part is, he was so accepting and sure loved a lot of people!
It always sounds so cheesy when people talk about how short life is. Or about how you have to hug and kiss your loved ones because they could be gone the next day.  It all sounds cheesy until someone you love is taken from you.  Until you’re feeling the pain of the loss and you can’t find the words to express it that aren’t cheesy.
If you think there’s time later to get healthy, to lose weight, to quit poisoning yourself, please stop. Your health is the most important thing you can take into your own hands. For the sake of your loved ones (which includes me, if you’re reading this) start now, as in, yesterday. Thanks.