It has been a long time since I've sat down to write. One
obvious excuse is how busy the holidays are, there seems to be plenty of things
to keep me busy during every nap of every day.
Even when I did have time to sit and put some words down, I was afraid
of what thoughts I might share before I’m ready to express what I’m feeling. I like my blog to be honest and true, with no
diversions or evasions. The holidays had a dark cloud over them this year. Losing my father
in law was such a life-altering blow. He
was essential to our lives, our futures, our plans. Dealing with it has been so
difficult for us, and since this is my blog, I can say – It’s been difficult
for me. Even though I was only his
daughter in law and even though I've only known him seven wonderful years, it
hit me really hard. I've had an internal
battle about how much “right” I have to grieve over him. I didn't have a solid father figure growing
up, but I married into one and I felt like that was God’s way of making it up
to me. I get to experience what it’s like to have a great dad- and just in
time, a Grandfather to my boys! Even better! The anger set in almost
immediately. I've been robbed. My
husband has been robbed. My sons have
been robbed. If this is God’s plan, I
can’t see how this could be for the better. In what way is the world now a
better place? A man who radiated God’s gifts, strong and masculine, committed
and principled, loving and fun. A man
who is so well balanced that he touched the lives of virtually everyone who
knew him. I've got a list a mile long of
people that the world could do without.
Get rid of them to make the world a better place. I've got 5 people I
would trade to have Danny back. No
questions asked.
My friend Cassie said she wouldn't wish that loss on anyone.
I would if it meant I could do the trade. My brother says God is selfish and
wanted Danny with him. If he was so
selfish, he would leave Danny here with us to ensure more men (namely his sons
and grandsons and great-grandsons) would follow the path to heaven.
I know everyone grieves differently. I wish I could just be sad, but I’m angry. It’s unfair.
Nothing about it is right. It’s been over a month and I still get angry
when I think about it. I have regret. I regret time I wasted while he was still
here. I regret not draining him of his wisdom by asking his opinions on certain
things or getting more of his advice. I
regret not giving him a great big hug the last time I saw him… I was distracted
about our road trip home and gave him one of those one-armed, half-hugs. I
regret not taking videos of him reading books to the boys, or bouncing them on
his knee singing the “horses going to town-spilling the buttermilk” song.
Danny was a substantial man. I mean, he was a bid dude, but
also such a strong force. It’s hard to believe that he’s not in this world
anymore. Danny was the kind of guy that
could make you feel so special. If he
loved you, then you were the bees knees. And the funny part is, he was so
accepting and sure loved a lot of people!
It always sounds so cheesy when people talk about how short
life is. Or about how you have to hug and kiss your loved ones because they
could be gone the next day. It all
sounds cheesy until someone you love is taken from you. Until you’re feeling the pain of the loss and
you can’t find the words to express it that aren’t cheesy.
If you think there’s time later to get healthy, to lose
weight, to quit poisoning yourself, please stop. Your health is the most
important thing you can take into your own hands. For the sake of your loved
ones (which includes me, if you’re reading this) start now, as in, yesterday.
Thanks.
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