Two Months & still hearing the 'ghost cries'

Reed is two months old today! Its cool to flip through my pictures and see how much he's changed already. It's also amazing to think how much I've changed. I feel older, and with this luggage under my eyes I know I look it! I feel like someone took a lock off my heart and opened an undiscovered chamber. I never knew I could love this much.
If I get frustrated, tired, irritable... all I have to do is look into Reed's face and it all gets wiped away. When he cries I know he's not trying to get on my nerves, the poor little guy is just trying to tell me something and I need to pay attention! I guess I try not to look at his face when he cries or else it would break my heart too much! Of course I don't let him cry as much as I can help it but since he really hates having his diaper changed and has something against his carseat then there's really nothing I can do but try to get it over with as quickly as possible!

I've returned to work this week and I discovered some interesting feelings. Monday I was sitting at my desk and going through my emails and getting back into "work mode". It was a strange feeling I had- I felt normal! It almost felt like I had woken up from a dream that I had a baby. The previous 8 weeks of sitting on the couch 20 hours a day at home with a baby attached to me felt very distant. Except I have both lives now and every other day I will be switching back and forth. My two lives are merging!
I missed him on Monday but yesterday Mike stayed home with him while I was at work and not only did I miss him but I felt so left out!! It was all I could do to keep my hands off my phone and not call or text constantly and ask, "what are you guys doing now? How 'bout now? How 'bout now?" I was jealous of Mike and excited for him at the same time. He finally got to see what a day was like at home with Reed. A whole day where Reed was completely dependent on his daddy for all his needs and his smiles, too! There were a couple challenging moments but daddy made it through and he didn't have to call me for help. I knew he wouldn't, he's very capable of taking care of his son. He just doesn't have the convenience of being able to lift up his shirt to soothe Reed, like I do. I agree, it's kind of cheating. Even if he's not hungry it always calms him down when he's upset.
I had this feeling all day that Reed was going to have a bunch of "firsts" while I was at work. I kept thinking, sure, I'll get home and it will be like, "oh guess what? Reed started crawling today! and talking! and solving algebra equations!"

Reed has been doing exceptionally well at night and Miek and I are both getting excited that the full nights sleep is coming soon! He's logged in some long stretches so I know we are turning a corner. Now if I could just get rid of what I call the 'ghost cries' in my head. I hope I'm not the only person who experiences this, but at night somehow my mind seems to find baby cries tucked into the white noise of the darkness. I'm talking serious, full on throwing a fit! Screaming, crying, gasping- variations in tone and volume! And it's not real! This started in the very beginning actually when I would take naps and Reed would be hanging out with Mike or one of our family members. It really had me confused then because I was convinced that he was out there wailing and needed me so bad. But, when I got up and went to comfort him, he was happy as a hippo just hanging out. Now that he's been sleeping in his room and we're using the monitor, I'm paranoid that the monitor isn't turned up loud enough and I can hear the 'ghost cries' echoing in my head. Its completely 100% my imagination and drives me crazy! I have to sit up- look at the monitor, check the volume, and sometimes walk across the house to check on him. But when I get back in bed I STILL HEAR IT! Even after I've confirmed that it's not real, I still hear it.
I swear it's going to put me in the crazy house if it doesn't stop. Why do I imagine my baby crying? Can't I imagine him laughing instead?

Reed and Childcare

Reed will be 8 weeks old on Saturday and the reason it's significant is that it means I return to work on Monday. Monday! Two days ago I dropped Reed off for a trial day at child care. He only spent a couple hours there but I wanted him to meet his teachers and get to know them a little before he was suddenly abandoned there for 6 hours on Monday.

I was actually expecting it to affect me more than it did. After all, I haven't been away from him at all unless you count last Sunday when I went for a bike ride and left him here with Mike. I rode for 11 miles so I guess I got about 5.5 miles away from him. And yes, I was thinking the whole time that this was the first time I'd been away from him. So, back to Wednesday- I had a lot of things I wanted to do, so I dropped him off and rushed home, pumped/worked on his halloween costume, got only a 30 minute bike ride in (I wanted an hour) and suddenly it was time to go get him already! I have to say, I stopped to get gas on my way and I also ran into the dollar store real quick before I picked him up. I forgot that simple errands can actually be SIMPLE!

Reed has picked up the habit of crying uncontrollably in his car seat. It really breaks my heart because he gets sooo mad! There are real tears and everything- he cries so hard it sounds like you're sawing his leg off or something awful.

Anyway, I was so busy and felt so rushed because there was so much I wanted to do while I was free that I didn't even have time to think about the fact that I just abandoned him with strangers. Of course when I picked him up I expected him to break out in a huge smile and show some excitement and relief that I'd come back. That, of course, was just unrealistic. It looked like he didn't even notice. They said he was an angel and both of his teachers had already fallen head over heels. He has a way of doing that- grabbing your heart and sticking it in his tiny pocket.

Tonight Mike and I are going out to a United Way party and Reed is staying home with our friend Susanne. I sure hope he takes it easy on her. He can either be very very good or a teensy weensy bad. After the experience with leaving him at child care on Wednesday I’m very confident that he’ll be fine tonight.

I’ve looked through all my dresses and have decided on my bebe dress again. Its loose fitting but very glamorous, so it will be great for the “casino night” theme. Until I lose the last of this pesky 12-15 lbs I’m probably going to stay out of my more fitting clothing, even if they are stretchy.

Reed has been smiling so much more this week. He smiles easily, too. You don’t really have to do a whole lot to coax one out. I hope that stays with him throughout life. If he’s anything like his parents he will always find things to smile at.

Yesterday Amanda and her daughter Piper came over to play with us. Piper is 4 & ½ months old now and Reed is almost two so it’s fun to look at them together and see the differences. Piper is much better at tummy time and Reed still can’t really control his hand movements. He’s pretty chill though. We went for a walk around the lake in our neighborhood and I put Reed’s sunglasses on him, which he’s fine with. I think he likes them but mostly they just crack me up, especially since he has this dead serious face all the time. “I know I’m cool.”

I will have to find time to blog after my first day back to work on Monday. I’m sure it will be a big mixed bag of emotions. I will also have to convince Mike to blog after Wednesday, which is going to be his first day home with Reedster! That’s right, Reed’s in child care on Mondays and Fridays but he’s home with daddy on Wednesdays while I work! I’m interested to see how that goes. Mike is very capable of taking care of his own son, that’s not what I’m worried about. In fact, I’m not worried at all. I’m just excited to hear about Mike’s day when I get home. It will be such a wonderful opportunity for them to really bond more and for Mike to experience the beautiful joy of really being there for Reedster.

I have to go do some last minute crunches now in order to slip a little more easily in my dress tonight.

Reed's clothes are shrinking!

It's true. Every time I go to put something on him his clothes are getting tighter and tighter. Mostly they are becoming too short. I've gone over the possibilities and I've decided that his clothes must be shrinking because there is no way that my baby is growing. He's still my tiny little man- I'm sure of it. Mike, on the other hand, disagrees completely. Everyday when he comes home he walks right up and steals his son from me. As he does this he releases a huge grunt as he slowly lifts him up to his shoulder and he says, "Reed, you are sooo big!" Then he turns to me and says, "he's definitely heavier! Lets go weigh him!!" I'm not exaggerating, he does this almost daily.So, I think I'm going to have to send a letter to LG about their washers and dryers. I mean seriously, clothes generally only shrink the first time you wash them- not continuously. It's just

criminal.

Last night was a big night at the Franklin residence! Mike and I are hoping its a milestone- a turning point, if you will. Not just a fluke. Reed slept in his crib and only woke up twice! The first leg was 3.5 hours and then he was up for a half hour to eat and get changed and fell right back asleep for another 3 hours! The effect this had on me was about the same as visiting the fountain of youth or maybe some miracle drug that turned me back into a human being. Previously he'd been sleeping in bed with me (as you may recall) and wouldn't stay asleep if he wasn't being held or touched. So, this is huge. He's becoming an independent sleeper. He looks so tiny in that big old crib, its one of the most precious sights I've ever seen. It's almost enough for me to pick him right back up again and snuggle him up to me. I don't of course, but its the best part about hearing the monitor sound off and having to go get him in the middle of the night.He's also getting very active in his little play gym. His little arms fly around and hit the toys that are hanging down. It actually keeps him entertained long enough for me to go to the bathroom and maybe grab something to eat. But, even with him lying there happy as a hippo I can't just leave him there to do household chores. I have to sing him songs, play with him and tickle his precious tummy! I know when he's finished playing because he starts huffing really fast thru his nose! It's like a bull! He does "the bull" whenever he's feeling especially impatient.

We haven't decided what our Halloween plans are yet... so far my favorite ideas for costumes are me as a referee, Mike as a football player and Reed as a football! I haven't seen a football costume yet- so that might be difficult. Plus, I don't know if we're going to a party or anything. I actually think we might have to throw one!! We could do something a little more fitting like... Mike is a farmer, I'm a cow, Reed is a calf ... that way him being attached to the boob all night is just part of the costume!

I'll keep thinking of ideas and keep you updated!!

Here is a funny picture of Reed sleeping on my legs. We went out to the backyard to play and I guess he just got very comfortable from the bouncing!

Smile

How do I spend my days? It’s all about Reed. When he wants to eat, burp, sleep, and my favorite – play. I love making him smile! It’s so rewarding and makes the sleepless nights worth it. Yesterday I had him lying in his pack ‘n play, it has a shade that goes over the top, so I was hiding behind it saying, “Where’s mommy?? Where did I go?” and pop out to say, “Boo! Here I am!”

The side of the shade as some netting on it that I can see through and I watched him every time I “hid”. He smiled when he couldn’t see me!! Not when I popped out to say boo, but when he couldn’t see me! I already have a silly son.

Today I had a much needed outing with Kelly and Sophie, who is only 3 ½ weeks older than Reed. We met up at Cuppies and Joe for a cupcake and latte and then stopped by the farmers market to browse the fresh goodies. The last couple days have been lonely with Mike out of town. I try to be very aware of my moods and cautious of getting too blue. The statistics for postpartum depression are alarming. About 1 in 10 new moms are diagnosed with PPD and 1 in 4 get the “baby blues”. In my last couple months of pregnancy Mike and I talked about it a few times because he wanted to make sure I knew that I could tell him if I was feeling down. I couldn’t really imagine being sad, but I knew it was important so I promised to be open about my feelings when the time came. The first week home from the hospital I was so in love with Reed and had a million positive emotions surging through my heart! I was mesmerized by his face and loved my one on one moments with him. I could never ever imagine getting depressed! Not with him in my life now! I couldn’t even imagine having one negative thought!

At 5 ½ weeks now I can see how the daily grind takes its toll and can spin a quiet little web of sadness. Its important to spend time focusing on the positive, it’s important to spend time out of the house and with other people as well. It sounds easy but it’s really not. Sometimes its easier for the day to slip by without doing anything at all! Then I have days like yesterday where I contact 5 people but still end up alone. When Mike is gone I know I have to break up the hours by reaching out, it just happened that everyone was busy and after hearing it so many times I had to quit asking. Even my mom was too busy to chat with me online! I try to keep some variety in my day. We go out in the back yard and play on a blanket in the shade of a tree. Sometimes we take a little walk around the block and we spend a lot of the day singing songs and discovering new dance moves. Last week I had Allissa come over on Thursday morning to play with Reed while I got a couple more hours of sleep and Cassie came on Friday to do the same thing. The mornings seem to be the best time to have the help because waking up multiple times during the night just tends to wear on me. Sometimes the last couple times Reed wakes up, I find myself throwing back the sheets with a tinge of irritation because I know I’m running out of nighttime hours and the day is sliding right in and I’m not ready to start!

I’ve had a couple unstable days where I cried for almost no reason, who can blame me? I just had a baby! I’m allowed some emotional moments with all the hormones going berserk. Mike has been very understanding and supportive through it and I think he’s grateful that it has been so easy. I’m sure he expected it to be worse, with all the warnings he’s read! The last time I was crying, he came up to me and said, “you’re doing a great job, honey. I love you.” To which I replied, “you’re just saying that because I’m crying!” poor guy! Its okay, I apologized later.

So don’t worry, I’m keeping things in check. I’m asking for help when I think I need it (although I don’t always get it) and I’m keeping an eye on my attitude. The phrase I hear most often is, “it gets better” and I know its true, but that also means my little baby will grow up! I know that when he starts sleeping thru the night that only means that he’s not an infant anymore. I’m telling myself that I have to enjoy this time with him because “they grow up so fast” and I must live in the moment and not take any of this time for granted. I’ve decided not to wish my days away. I love my baby, Reed! We will continue to make each other smile :o)

Sandbagger

I have a reputation for being a bit of a sandbagger. For example, if I set a goal for a race for 1:45 I might cross the finish around 1:35. I don’t do it on purpose and I feel like I’m just setting realistic goals. And besides, isn’t it better to exceed a goal than to fall short? What’s going to keep you encouraged? Success of course! So, historically the expectations I have for myself are usually fairly easy.

Well, my recovery has been a different story. I expected to very quickly be able to jump back into my running shoes and take Reedster out in the jogging stroller. The day after we came home from the hospital we started taking walks in the neighborhood and I was stunned at how bad I hurt. No pain, no gain, so I pushed on. I didn’t expect it not to hurt and I knew it was normal to ache. We walked just about every day, even when Mike’s parents were in town and when my Mom and sister were in town. One day I even did a little jogging with the stroller in walking intervals. It was good for my sanity to be active and it was important to me.

Turns out I was really delaying my recovery and I now know that if I had taken it easier I would have recovered a whole lot faster. They say 6 weeks before you can exercise but I thought I was special. I thought, “sure 6 weeks for most people. Not me.” What’s with 6 weeks anyway? Why is 6 the magic number? I just wanted to get my body back and start feeling normal again. Mike and I discussed my activity level because my walks were not just walks. I lunged, squatted, kicked and repeated hills for an hour/hour and a half. When he confronted me about it I had to explain, we’re not that different, him and me! Last month he injured his feet, and instead of taking even one week off- he ran 5 miles two days later, which of course made it much worse. Why do we do this? Because it sucks not to work out! It makes me grumpy, depressed, and zero fun to be around. I need to feel the fresh air rushing into my lungs and the warm blood pumping to my muscles! I want to feel strong and fast again! I want to get sore the next day!

I was so proud of myself when I stepped on the scale less than two weeks after Reed was born and I was 12 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. I had goals for losing the rest! Yet here I sit, Reed is 5 weeks and I haven’t budged another pound. I’m on my butt all day until my body gives me the thumbs up. I’m pretty close to feeling like I can start walking again and my appointment is on the 11^th where my doctor will be able to give me the green light. It turns out everyone was right and I shouldn’t have been over-doing it. Very difficult for someone who was still working out up to the day I went into labor. What make it harder is my ever expanding butt and thighs.